Today went by really fast. It was definitely a packed day. I had my last day in childcare for the Summer. I am a little sad, but I will be back so it's ok. Did some errands and then headed straight to the auditorium for dress rehearsal for KIU Recital. That was a little crazy, there always has to be some sort of drama. But overall it went well.
Something hit me however as I was watching the kids. I started to get the itch. I always get this itch. I looked at the girls dancing and I realized how lucky they were to be in that moment and how in many ways that moment has passed for me. They are in the best shape of their lives, getting to wear costumes, their parents pay for everything, they didn't have to go through some rigorous auditioning process laced with failure, self-doubt and hatred, finished with a sucker punch to the ego. They are in essence free and innocent. That is a beautiful thing. What may be more beautiful is that they have no idea, they are completely unaware of this. And even if someone, like me, were to tell them, they would have no concept of it whatsoever. What a sweet life ignorance is.
So I am sitting there thinking all of these thoughts, yearning to be out there. But although I have felt this many times and thought similar thoughts before, here is the one thought that had never occurred. Why? Why do I so desperately feel the need to be there? Do I feel the need even to be there or just somewhere? And then it hit me. The specifics don't matter. Dancing on stage, singing on Broadway, working for a major movie network, yada yada yada. What I am really yearning for is to push myself to the limit. To test myself and my own limitations. And to do something with such discipline and focus for a certain amount of time that I am rewarded with excellence!
And a more horrible thought hit me. What am I really good at? What do I really excel at? Singing, dancing, acting, directing, negotiating, comedic timing, listening to people, working hard, are some things just to list a few that people might say...but none of which I have ever really committed to fully. So how is it then that I am able to have some success in my life? And then an even WORSE thought hit me! Winging it. I am really good at winging it! Fake it til ya make it should be stamped on my forehead! I am a professional winger! Oh shit, I thought. Are you kidding me? That's what I am really really really good at? This is what people who truly know me are going to say about me when I die? Sonya Rose Henning was a lovely girl, though she never was to good at any one thing, boy she sure knew how to wing it!!
Shit! No wonder I am tormented by my own psyche who has known this all along but was to afraid of the ego to let her know. Well the day has come, she spilled the beans. Great!
I am sure at some point in the near future this will turn into some great motivational and inspirational moment for me where I turn my life around and commit to everything and go for it right? For now, it just seems overwhelming, embarrassing, and as if I now should go back and redo everything I have ever done. Learns my lines more thoroughly, listen more clearly, redo that paper that I turned in last minute, read the script before I perform, study before I take the test, research a company before I interview, and the list goes on and on!
But mostly, I now understand this incessant need to go, run, jump, scream, and fully experience life to the fullest. Push my body, my mind, my soul. Everything I have. Excel! Reach my full potential. That is success. Reaching your full potential.
Tomorrow is another full day. And so is the next and the next. But in the next week or so I am going to come up with a plan. A real life plan.
Good night
Level: 4
Frequency: Gaps
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